At this juncture, a decision would have to be made. There are some cold hard truths which I have to accept and live with. But the pertinent question is, do i live with it and move away, or do i live with it and stay on. Staying on within a helpless handicapped situation, with no sight of the end of the tunnel, and knowing that your ambitions will pass on like the grass in the field…they will never be seen nor heard and they are only alive in your self, in your bedroom, when you close your eyes…its the way things are. Not all are born equal, and worse still, not all have the same weight of desire. To have such a heavy desire, a desire which is almost life-defining and to fall terribly short…within yourself. And that no one even cares to know, cause its never good enough for them.
The good thing is I can continue living with it, shielded and blinded by my aimless slogging, and feel “alive”. But this “life” is nothing beautiful and its by no means the way it ought to flow- I have enough real-life examples around me who have lived and are living the way it ought to be lived. Having the ambition of a youth in this adult body of mine. The die is cast, things are set, i never see myself on a worthy platform…Should i still satisfy myself by this aimless digging? “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” Perhaps this quote from a wise man would be enough to spur me on to live the “life” no one knows. Well at least i tried right? Damn it, sometimes i wished i never had this desire. It is by no means fair; a person should only have desire for the things they are inclined towards, for things they have a calling for, for things they are meant to do. And if I were to have this insatiable quench due to my natural shortcomings, what am i to do with this deficit? This too, has been revisited too many times and its tiresome to go through this again, for infinity.
A decision have to be made. To be filled with desires for objects which are masking my real desire of creating something beautiful- it cant go on forever. It would be a lie to wake up to, to see these in your bedroom, hanging on your walls, and to look at your hands and to be so crudely aware that they are from different universes. Of course, I’d wished for a miracle which would sweep me by. But I doubt I would see it coming…much as i wished that things are not pre-destined… i cant see it in another way. Perhaps tonight and the nights later, I should try “living” again. Perhaps there is hope…and here the vicious cycle starts again.
I am tired.
A crazy dream. And I still believe in it.
After all these, the passion still runs deep.
I looked at the names, and my heart no longer feels faint with that powerless longing. At long last, time to move on.
Though I may never be engulfed in a baptism of fire, which seems more like a distant and inconceivable reverie, but more so than ever before, I see clearly the craft I am meant for. Laying repeatedly the bricks of foundation. Grateful.